when i was a kid: halloween edition

We all have those moments when we think back to when we were younger, back when we were kids. When we think back, certain events stand out in our minds. We remember random, seemingly unimportant details so vividly. Other events we don't remember so well. So when I thought back on Halloween memories, I was not surprised that one stood out above the rest. It was when I was in 4th grade. To set this story up properly, you must first understand my upbringing. I was raised in a pretty strict, conservative household. Halloween was not one of the holidays we celebrated. I remember as a kid going to my church's Harvest Party on Halloween night. What did I care. I was getting candy just the same. I don't recall wearing elaborate costumes. (I think I usually went as like a farmer or something.) If we were really lucky, my dad would let us go trick-or-treating at our neighbors' houses. All in all though, Halloween wasn't a day we celebrated. So there I was in 4th grade, a week before Halloween, and my class was about to begin practicing for our part in the annual Halloween school play. Knowing that this was the day they would pick parts for individuals, my dad sent me to school prepared with a note. I'm sure it was addressed "to whom it may concern" as all of his notes were. The note essentially said that I could not participate in or attend the play due to religious beliefs but was allowed to participate in eating candy. My teacher thought I had written the note myself. I mean, it was awfully convenient that the note specified that I could eat candy. More than that, however, my teacher pointed out that the word "halloween" was not capitalized. Certainly an adult (no less an extremely intelligent one like my father) would never make that mistake. She called my dad at work to check the note's authenticity. He verified that it was and upon her request agreed to let me push play on the tape player during practice. I think I remember this one more vividly than other Halloween moments because I was frustrated that the teacher had called my integrity into question by accusing me of forging the note. It was embarrassing to be questioned about this in front of my whole class. I wasn't like mortified or anything, just a little annoyed. And if I remember correctly, I was happy not to have to be seen in that ridiculously cheesy play anyway. But as they say, such is life.

reformation day (se)

Happy Reformation Day! It was on this day in 1517 that Martin Luther nailed the "95 Theses" on the church doors at Wittenberg, Germany. Contrary to some people's belief, this was not an act of defiance, as the church doors were a common public bulletin board. Luther's intention was to debate some things within the Catholic Church. However, the whole thing blew up and the Protestants seperated from the Catholics. Below is a link with which you can review the "95 Theses" in their English translation (original was in Latin): http://www.ctsfw.edu/etext/luther/theses/theses_e.asc

diet coke

One of my favorite things to hear occurs when I'm at a fast food restaurant, like McDonald's. It's when a person (generally larger, but not always) will order a meal, supersize it, and then when the employee asks, "What would you like to drink with that?" the person responds, "Diet Coke." Ok, so some people might really prefer the taste of Diet Coke to Coke, but I'm willing to bet that most of the people ordering the Diet Coke are doing so to "watch their calories." HELLO. You just ordered a 1/4 lb. burger with extra large fries, and you really think the coke you would be drinking is the problem? Seriously people. Supersized meals and diet cokes were not invented to go with each other. In fact, I propose that all fast food restaurants eliminate diet drinks from the list of drinks someone who buys an extra large meal can order. I find it preposterous.

driving me crazy

I heard a comedian talking once about how people change when they are driving. There is so much truth in that statement. I mean, I realize that some people may always be rude and selfish, but for most people, I think the driving changes them. It's like people have driving alter-egos. Someone can be one way while in any other situation, but put them behind the wheel of a car and they go Incredible Hulk on you. With a few examples, I hope I can enlighten you about this fact. I will try to describe a scenario that is common when driving and then paint an "out-of-car" scenario where most people would not act the same way. In our examples, Lester will represent an average individual. Example 1: Waiting in line

• A long line of cars is in the right hand lane coming up to a traffic light. Lester decides it's not worth waiting in the line, being stuck in the line during a few light cycles. Lester proceeds to drive up the left hand lane which turns into a "left turn only" lane ahead. Seeing a small opening, Lester pulls in front of an unsuspecting car, cutting it off. Lester goes through the traffic light just before it turns red.
• A long line of customers are waiting their turn in a bank. Lester decides he does not feel like being stuck in line waiting for a teller for the next 10-15 minutes. Lester proceeds to walk past the line barriers towards the front of the line. Seeing a small opening, Lester steps over the line barrier in front of an unsuspecting customer, cutting them. Lester arrives just in time to hear, "Next!" and take care of his banking business.

Most people probably read the first scenario in ex. 1 without even batting an eyelash. You many have even said to yourself or aloud, "Yep. I've done that." or "Happens all the time." Reading the second scenario, however, most people probably thought it was preposterous. Let's look at another example.

Example 2: "Move it!"

• Lester is driving down a small state highway with a single lane on his side of the road. Lester is coasting along at 59 (a mere 9 above the limit of 50) when he is forced to suddenly hit his brakes. He is stuck behind a car being driven by an elderly man who is going only 50 (the nerve, right at the speed limit). Frustrated that the car in front of him is traveling so slowly, Lester begins pressing the horn and yelling at the old man to "move it!" Finally the road adds another lane and Lester flies by the elderly driver, staring him down as he goes.
• Lester is walking down a narrow corridor at a nice steady pace when he is forced to slow his pace and almost stop. He is stuck being an elderly man who is walking at a slow pace with the assistance of a cane. Frustrated that the old man is walking so slowly, Lester pulls out an air horn and begins blowing it into the elderly man's ear. Lester also began yelling at the old man to "move it!" Finally the corridor leads into a large atrium and Lester paces past the elderly man, staring him down as he goes.

Once again, scenario one in ex. 2 probably felt a little familiar and scenario two probably felt a little unbelievable. Let's look at one final example.

Example 3: "Your fault!"

• Lester is driving down the highway in the passing lane when he decides to merge into the 2nd lane. A driver in the 1st lane also decides to merge into the 2nd lane at the same time. At the last second, each driver realizes the other is there, and swerves to avoid the other. A near miss. No damage done. Still, Lester pulls into the 2nd lane and through a closed window becomes animated yelling at the other driver. He even flips the other driver off before tailing the car and driving aggressively. Finally the person pulls off the highway and each driver goes his separate way.
• Lester is pushing his cart through a grocery store when he goes to turn down Aisle 6. Someone is pushing a cart from Aisle 6 to the main aisle. The two carts almost collide but in the last second each shopper sees the other and avoids it. Lester then begins following the shopper around the store, tailing them, pushing his cart aggressively. Lester becomes animated and begins yelling at the other shopper, even going so far as to flip him off. Finally the shoppers each check out and go their separate ways.

Once again, many people will have a familiarity with scenario 1 in ex. 3. But let's face it, most if not all of us have never seen anything like scenario 2. Let's face it, usually the exact opposite occurs. People usually both say sorry and look to take the blame. "Sorry, I didn't see you." "No problem, I didn't see you either. I wasn't paying attention." "Have a good day." "You too, sorry."

People simply become different when driving. I will admit, I am guilty. Such is life.

english language

I wrote this poem in college just as a fun way to point out some crazy rules and parts of speech of English. See if you can figure out all the different rules I break or parts of speech I use as I state them...

English Language by Michael Brown

The English language makes me mad, it's so frustrating People speak their own way to make the point they are stating People always use words and phrases way over my head They use figures of speech, thinking I should know what they've said I get mad whenever people use malapropisms Because it creates chasms; I mean schisms Between people who understand and those who don't I've never liked when people use contractions, and I won't People always try to be clever, but I've got some ideas I'm gonna shush people when they use onomatopoeias And any time I hear people using hyperbole I'm gonna kick them from here to Italy To me that's just as stupid as an inclusio or a simile Which is like a poet writing a quatrain; it's silly to me People use double-superlatives and think they're the bestest People pause to create their puns; we've gotta rest this To state the meaning of a word may be people's intention But it seems nobody knows how to give a definition And I can't but become angry when I hear conjunctions However, they are often used; yet, not many know their functions Alliteration constantly causes craziness to captivate me And it seems people choose to use adverbs innately People are always making allusions to different things It's just like what the song says that that one dude sings If people use the conditional, then that is very bad If they're redundant, verbose, and superfluous, I get mad People should pay their dues if they choose to use internal rhyme Especially when they can't rhyme words most of the time If I were to use the subjunctive, I would be mad at me Most don't understand the reflexive, which makes me angry Nobody gets more frustrated at elliptical clauses than I As opposed to assonance, which I find lights up my eyes But I don't like it when people are comparing and contrasting Or using run-on sentences their lengths are everlasting To be using an infinitive is to be doing something dumb Putting prepositions at ends of sentences, where did that come from? Spoonerisms aren't too bad because they lake me maugh Too many people talk in statistics; I think it's more than half People try to show they're smart by giving a means They also tend to generalize; this describes all teens People use certain slang in different regions; they think it's rad They think that it's nifty, but it makes me wicked mad I hate it with a passion when I hear a contradiction I wish everyone made them; at least, that's my conviction I hate it whenever people use confabulation Because I have never been one to give a fabrication I get mad whenever people talk in clichés It's not the end of the world, but it's dumb anyways Just like when people put an "s" where it doesn't belong Or people who are long-winded and drag things along People who make up words make me angrified They claim poetic license, but it still burns me inside But most of all I hate when people don't finish a poem

in a rush to wait

Why is it that people often seem to be in such a rush? It's like people always have somewhere they need to be five minutes ago. And people become very rude when they're in a rush. They'll cut you off or curse you out! But the aspect of being in a rush that humors me and that I want to deal with in this blog entry is that most of the time people are in a rush, they are then left waiting anyway. "I want to hurry up and wait." Let me give some examples:

1. When an airline employee calls for a flight to be boarded, people jump up and hurry to the gate. (some are already standing nearby waiting for the call.) Then they wait in line. Then they get to board the plane sooner than others. Once on the plane that they rushed onto, they get to wait...and wait...and wait. Do people realize they will not make it to their destination before the others on their flight?
2. People rush to make it to the doctor's on time, where they will wait for 30 minutes before the doctor sees them.
3. People will not let you merge into traffic because they have to hurry up TO THE RED LIGHT!!! They can't get to the red light they'll wait at quick enough. (I really hate this one!)
4. Scientists rush to pull samples, so they can wait three weeks for the results.

This is the way of the world I guess. I just find it a little amusing.

wedding day beauty

I love looking at people's wedding pictures (not like the whole album, just a couple of pictures from the wedding). There is something about wedding photos that is exciting. For those of us who are already married, it brings back memories from our own wedding days. For those who are not, it brings about the excitement of what you envision your wedding day to be like. More than that, however, I think I like looking at wedding pictures because the brides always look their most beautiful. This made me think, "why do women generally tend to be the most beautiful on their wedding day?" I don't think it's because of the expensive dress or hair or makeup that the bride looks so beautiful. I think that women look so beautiful on their wedding day because they feel so beautiful on their wedding day. Brides faces radiate with confidence and beauty. They also typically look so happy that words cannot express. Brides feel beautiful and that shows. This just goes to show that beauty really has more to do with confidence than actual appearance. It's like a self-fulfilling prophesy --> you are beautiful because you feel beautiful. Keep this in mind the next time you feel unattractive...it's a case of deception! Let every day be a day of wedding day beauty! I know I don't tend to try to be very serious in my blog entries, but this is something that I really feel like some people need to read. I promise to be less serious tomorrow.

sweat pants double standard

Most people wear sweat pants at some time or another for some reason or another. What I want to know is "why is there a sweat pants double standard?" What do I mean? Let me give you two scenarios that should help explain my point.

• Scenario 1 (S1) - An overweight individual is walking through the mall in a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt.
• Scenario 2 (S2) - A physically fit individual is walking through the mall in a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt.

The only difference between the two scenarios is the physical fitness of the individuals mentioned. In S1, the individual is overweight whereas in S2, the individual is in shape.

When most people see the individual in S1 they jump to the conclusion that the person is wearing sweat pants because he/she is too big to fit into jeans very well. The individual is wearing the pants more out of necessity than by choice.

When most people see the individual in S2 they jump to the conclusion that the person is wearing sweat pants because they are comfortable or because they are coming from/going to the gym and didn't feel like changing. The individual is wearing the pants more by choice than out of necessity.

I cannot be convinced that this generalization does not occur either, as I used to be one of the people who jumped to those conclusions. Then I put on sweat pants the other day because I wanted to wear something warm and comfortable. Then my wife (who is always telling me just to wear sweat pants, but I refuse because I don't want to be the person in S1). But I just wanted to be comfortable and I knew that. And that was when I learned the error of my ways.

Let's put an end to the sweat pants double standard!

america's favorite food: pizza vs. chocolate

I was having a discussion with someone, not long ago, who does not like chocolate. For her birthday, instead of celebrating with cake, we celebrated with pizza. After thinking about it for a couple of minutes, I mentioned that I've met other people who don't like chocolate but I've never met anyone who doesn't like pizza. I theorized that pizza is more popular than chocolate. In an attempt to test my theory, I recently conducted a survey on this topic. Thanks to everyone who submitted responses to the survey. Here is was I found: Of the 28 people surveyed... ...25 (89%) said they like chocolate ...27 (96%) said they like pizza ...0 (0%) said they don't like either chocolate or pizza ...16 (57%) said they prefer chocolate to pizza ...12 (43%) said they prefer pizza to chocolate ...17 (57%) said they prefer something else to chocolate or pizza (the only item repeated was ice cream with 3) ...8 (29%) said they prefer pizza to anything else ...4 (14%) said they prefer chocolate to anything else I have no degree in statistics but let me score this battle the best I can: Of the people surveyed, more like pizza than those who like chocolate, by 7%. This was not a significant amount based on the numbers involved, but a victory for pizza none the less. Pizza 1, Chocolate 0 Of the people surveyed, more prefer chocolate to pizza straight up, by 14%. Point, chocolate. Pizza 1, Chocolate 1 Of the people surveyed, more prefer pizza to anything else than those who prefer chocolate to anything else, by 15%. Deciding point and knockout punch for pizza. Pizza 2, Chocolate 1 This survey and analysis has a 100% margin for error as it's completely unscientific and potentially biased. The one thing we can say with certainty is that Americans love pizza and chocolate! In fact, I could go for either right now!

plenty of fish in the sea

There's an old saying that says, "There are plenty of fish in the sea." This is used in referring to the fact that there are plenty of people out there for someone to date. I, however, think it's all to perfect that this phrase was selected because it is my belief that fishing and dating have a lot in common. Different people fish for different reasons just as different people date for different reasons. And it is my opinion that there is an eerie similarity between the two. Reasons for fishing/dating:

1. For sustenance - Some people fish because they need the fish in order to survive. They cannot live without having fish. In the same token, some people date because they need a boyfriend or girlfriend in order to survive. This can be healthy in that I feel God designed us to desire mates. Or it could be unhealthy in that some people date because they are needy. They cannot be without a significant other. In either case, healthy or unhealthy, some people date for sustenance.
2. For a trophy - Some people fish because they want that trophy fish to hang in their den. They want to show off their catch. In the same manner, some people date because they want to show off their boyfriend or girlfriend. It's all about flaunting a significant other, whether due to their looks or position. They either want people to see the eye candy they landed or they want to be important/respected by their association with their significant other. It's where the old phrase "trophy wife" comes from. I would contest that this could go either way, however.
3. For sport - Some people fish just for the sport of it. They catch fish just to show that they can catch fish. Once they catch the fish they release it. In the same way, some people date for sport. They flirt and hit on guys/girls just to show that they can have them if they want them. But once they actually get the person they don't want him/her so they throw them back. And like in fishing, sometimes the "hook" gets caught and the "fish" gets hurt. It's all just a part of the game.

I'm not stamping my approval on any given examples. I'm just saying that this is how I see things.

emails/texts convenient, not always appropriate

I love text messaging. It is so useful. Sometimes I need to let my wife know something but she's busy. I can just text her and she can read it whenever she becomes available instead of me trying to call her until I finally reach her. In fact, I love texting so much that I bought a smart phone with a full keypad so I could text more efficiently. The phone also offers Outlook so I can get my emails right on my phone. Emails, like text messaging and instant messaging, have made life so much easier. I can carry a conversation with someone without having to play phone tag first. Though they are extremely convenient, I would contest that emails and text messages are not always an appropriate way to communicate. Let me give an example. One situation where this technology has been abused has been dealing with relationships. I have heard of people breaking up with their significant other via email or text messaging. That is so cheesy. I'm not even sure if over the phone is appropriate for this, but it certainly beats typing it out. Now, I have heard of other situations also where I feel these technologies have been abused, including wedding invitation responses, employee terminations and the such. It got me to thinking...what would be the most egregious situation for using email or text? A few of my suggestions are below (in no particular order), but feel free to share any you can think of or vote on one of the ones I've mentioned.

• An engagement proposal
• Seeking permission from girlfriend's parents for marriage
• The police informing someone they are under arrest
• A wife telling her husband she's pregnant
• A spouse requesting a divorce
• A doctor informing a patient of a terminal illness or any serious medical diagnosis
• Telling the person you love that you love them for the first time

preventative maintenance

Preventative maintenance is crucial when it comes to certain things. The thing we probably most commonly associate this with is our cars. We change our oil, rotate our tires, check our air pressure, check our fluids, get a tune-up, etc. Preventative maintenance acts sort of like damage control. By caring for certain things now, we prevent more damage or malfunction later. I argue, however, that the most important thing for which we need preventative maintenance is our relationships. We can prevent unnecessary arguments, fights, and blow ups if we just use a little preventative maintenance. Let me explain. In my last blog I referenced how girls use galgebra to distort something as simple as a guy wanting to go to a movie with the other guys. The reality is, however, that if the guy just took some preventative measures like taking his girl to the movies every so often and having a date night every week, his girlfriend would be less likely to make it an issue if he wants to go to the movies with some friends. Let me put it like this: Which situation seems like it would create a more likely atmosphere of a girl not caring if her man goes to the movies with the guys? One where the guy takes his girl to the movies twice a month or one where the guy hasn't taken his girl to the movies for the last three months. Seems like common sense, right? That's because it is! Just as sensible as changing oil in a car.

galgebra (girl math)

Galgebra (gal and algebra combined) is the name I have given to a concept I refer to as girl math. It's the concept of how girls twist what guys say to mean something completely different. In standard algebra, if a = 3 and b = 4, it would be inaccurate to say that a = b. In galgebra, however, equations can be much more absurd than this. Let me give you a classic example below. A guy says to his girlfriend, "I want to go catch a movie with the guys"... Using standard algebra, the following equation could be created: I want to go catch a movie with the guys = I want to go catch a movie with the guys (a = a) But using galgebra, the equation would look something more like the following: I want to go catch a movie with the guys = I don't want to go see a movie with you = I like spending time with the guys more than spending time with you = I hate your guts (a=b=c=d, where all values are different). I tend to think that guys more commonly use the standard algebraic equation. And I'm not even so sure that girls realize they use the galgebraic equation. I have no expectations of this changing due to this post. My only hope is that this will enlighten some to this reality.

odds and ends...actually, just ends

So I've been doing a lot of reading lately. And for whatever reason, something really caught my attention. Everyone loves the end of a book. It's what makes or breaks the book for you. It's the old "it's not how you start, it's how you finish" cliché. But have you ever noticed how dull and anticlimactic the last sentence of a book can often be? Well I did. And hopefully with some examples I can help you to see the same.

Deal Breaker by Harlan Coben - "Then he drove back to the office." Donnie Brasco by Joseph D. Pistone - "I was glad it wasn't me." Lord of the Rings:The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien - "Well, I'm back,' he said." The Prestige by Christopher Priest - "Without looking at us, or anywhere in the direction of the house, he stepped out on to the flat ground, hunching his shoulders in the blizzard, then moved to the right, between the trees, down the hill, and out of our sight." There are plenty more examples that show this same truth. I guess the very ending of a book doesn't need to be all that captivating, but I just found this interesting. And for the record, to be fair, some authors do well with writing the last sentence. In fact, below is the most amazing, perfect final sentence ever: "Besides I like living...Against All Odds!" from Against All Odds by Chuck Norris.

gender specific

Have you ever noticed that some terms, phrases, actions are gender specific? Let me show you what I mean with a few examples below: Girls call guy friends "friend" and female friends "friend" or "girlfriend." Guys call guy friends "friend"or "buddy" and female friends "friend." If a guy called a female friend a "girlfriend", his actually girlfriend, wife, or whatever would smack him. If he didn't have one, everyone would assume the female friend was his girlfriend. If a guy called another guy a "boyfriend" his sexual orientation would come into question. And "buddy" seems to refer only to a guy. If I say "my buddy" you would most likely assume that I was talking about a guy friend. Also most girls seem not to refer to each other as "buddy" that's a guy thing. If you weren't at all confused by this explanation and did not need to re-read it at points, you are better than me, because it's weird. Who makes these rules? How about the fact that it's not considered abnormal for girls to take naps together or sleep in the same bed together. Once again, if a guy naps with another guy or sleeps in the same bed as him, his sexual orientation is once again called into question. So you don't get me wrong, let me make it clear that I have no problem with this status quo...just find it odd. Girls can wear guys' pants, shorts, shoes, etc. If a guy wears girls clothes, he's either emo or a cross-dresser. Guys can't (and shouldn't...I know I'm a marionette of the status quo here) wear girls clothes and get away with it. There are so many other examples I could pull out, but I think you get the point. Some things are only acceptable for one gender and not the other. Not a problem, just an observation. But, as they say, such is life...

behind the times

Technology has advanced so much over my lifetime. Yet it always seems that I'm behind the times when it comes to many things. When I was a kid, I remember playing Atari and thinking it was so cool. It was years before I'd get a Nintendo. In fact, I didn't get one until Super NES had already come out. Next up it was Sega. I got that in high school, you know when Playstation was big. I never even had a 64. In college I bought myself an XBox before the next system came out, but well after it was new. And I still currently play the PS2. Cell phones have also come a long way since the days of Zack Morris pulling his 20 lb. brick out of his book bag. Over the years, they've become smaller and more prevalent. I heard my friend's 8 year old daughter begging her mom for one the other day. Yet, I was a junior in college when I finally decided to splurge and buy myself one. I only just recently bought my first smart phone. In the same grain, the internet has evolved over the years. I remember when the "world wide web" was still so elementary. I, of course, didn't have access to it when it became hugely popular. Except for at school that is. I remember sitting in the computer lab after school during middle school and reading the wrestling web sites. Fun times. E-mail became the main form of communication. Instant Messanger soon followed. And as all other things, it has constantly evolved, with the big thing in recent years being the creation of Myspace, Facebook and other such sites. The only thing which seems as popular, if not more, is blogging. I dabbled in blogging, if that's what you'd call it, when Xanga came out (though I'm sure I was late to that also) but I never really got into it. Once again, I find myself behind the times. I'm not really quite sure why either, as I love writing. I write random posts here and there all over the internet. I write articles for my fantasy sports leagues and company softball team. So why have I once again found myself behind the times? Unfortunately, as far as this question goes, I do not have an answer. With all that said, I'm here now and I will probably be making up for lost time.