from mtv and vh1 to rsstv and noswstc1

Flipping through channels on the television recently, I thought about why different stations have chosen their respective names. Some of them are easy enough to figure out: History shows historical shows. Style shows things to do with style. ESPN (Entertainment and Sports Programming Network) shows sports-related shows. We could go on for a while with this. These stations were formed for a purpose and maintained their purposes. Some stationed have changed their names over the years as their emphasis and markets have changed (i.e. TNN - The Nashville Network became Spike TV). With all this said, somebody please tell me why MTV (Music TeleVision) and VH1 (Video Hits One), which are owned by the same parent company, still maintain their names. Neither one shows very much to do with music anymore. VH1 has a video countdown and some videos in the morning, but the rest of the day is garbage shows with nothing to do with music. MTV almost never has videos on it anymore. Even MTV2 is full of much of the same trash now. And I've got some bad news for you country music fans out there (of which I am certainly not one!) CMT is owned by the same parent company as MTV and VH1. It's only a matter of time before you don't get to watch your music videos either. I propose that we rename MTV to RSSTV (Ridiculously Stupid Shows TeleVision) and VH1 to NOSWSTC1 (No Other Station Would Show This Crap One). Of course, if you have any better ideas, please let me know.

pahsketti!

A co-worker was telling me about how her son said to her once, "Mom, guess what my favorite food is." She told him that she didn't know. He said, "I'll give you a clue: it starts with a B." She told him that she still didn't know. Almost disappointed that his mother didn't know his favorite food, he quickly retorted, "It's bahsketti!" Spaghetti is easily one of the toughest words for kids to get right. I always called it "pahsketti" as a child. We expect children to make such mistakes and find it humorous and cute when they do. What is not humorous or cute, however, is when adults mispronounce words. And they do it all the time. Let me clarify, first, that I am not talking about words being mispronounced due to regional accents. I, being from Boston, used to have a lot of trouble pronouncing the letter r. I am speaking of mispronouncing words out of ignorance to their spelling and therefore pronunciation. And for the record, I am almost certain that I have been guilty of such mispronunciation myself. This whole thought came to me one day when I was talking to a friend and she said "expecially" instead of "especially." I started thinking about how people always do it. There are so many words/phrases that are mispronounced. The other big one I could think of was saying "supposably" instead of "supposedly". That one has always irked me. I knew there were many more, but could not think of any off hand. So I did what I normally do in that situation and googled "commonly mispronounced words." I was directed to the following link which offers the "100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English." I was shocked to see a couple that I still mispronounce thinking they were accurate. You should check it out: http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/mispron.html For the record, it also irks me when people say, "I could care less." They should say, "I couldn't care less." The point you're trying to get across when you say that is that it's something you do not care about. That's a little different than what I was talking about with mispronunciation but I needed to get that off my chest.

are your legs tired...

Everyone is used to cheesy pick up lines. I think they're used more in jest than they are to pick people up these days. I mean, it's not like they would work, right? Some classics:

• "Are your legs tired...because you've been running through my mind all day."
• "Your dad must be a thief...because it looks like he stole the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes."
• "Do you have a band-aid...because I scraped my knee when I fell for you."
• "Girl, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first."
• Taking a girl to a movie and coming up with an excuse to put your arm around her (i.e. the yawn).

Now I understand this is coming from the man whose first words to his future wife were, "Polly, want a cracker?" Of course, I said that as a joke, and I believe I won Polly's heart in spite of, not because of that line. Still, talking to some of my female friends, I have discovered that people still use some pretty cheesy lines/tactics in an attempt to pick up girls. Some examples:

• Once, when I was in college, I was at a coffee shop with a group of people. This guy was trying to hit on this girl pretty bad all night. But once at the coffee shop, sitting next to her on a couch, he asked, "What's your major?" She replied, "Missions." He said, "Mine too." He then proceeded to attempt to put his arm around her! No kidding. I mean, I thought that only happened on cheesy Disney television shows as a goof trying to be funny. A couple days later, the same kid "tried to teach her how to throw a football." I couldn't believe it!
• A friend of mine was in a bar where a guy kept trying to hit on her. He didn't get the hint that she wasn't interested. When she went up to the bar to order another drink, he let out this doozy: "If you keep coming up here, I'm gonna think you like me." She was like, "Um, no, actually I just want a drink." He still continued hitting on her the rest of the night. Some guys just cannot take a hint.
• This one takes the cake for me: A friend of mine was driving down the highway once when a truck driver wrote his number on a piece of paper and tried to get her to roll down the window so he could throw it to her. You've got to be kidding me!

I know there are plenty more examples of cheesy attempts at picking up girls. And I'm sure girls have been guilty of the cheese also. But seriously, how can people think they'll actually work? Maybe they do it for my entertainment. That must be it, because there is simply no other logical reasoning for it.

they have degrees, so why am i diagnosing myself?

There are many different types of doctors in our world. Different doctors who specialize in different fields. I regularly use three specific types of doctors: personal care physician (PCP), dentist, and optometrist. Before I go on with my post, let me say that I have a great deal of respect for all three. Now that this obligatory disclaimer is out of the way, let me continue. Doctors go through years of studying and training before they are able to join or start a practice. They generally have walls laden with degrees and other credentials. Why is it then, that sometimes much of their diagnosis is completely dependent on me? It's as though I essentially diagnose myself and they just interpret it for me. Don't get me wrong, they are a big help, but sometimes, I feel like too much of their diagnosis is dependent on me. I mean, I understand the fact that a PCP needs to ask me to relate my symptoms to him because he cannot establish what the problem is if he doesn't know what I'm experiencing. This one doesn't bother me so much. And I understand that a dentist needs to ask me to inform them if I have pain because they cannot feel my pain. They find cavities with or without my help. Really, it's the optometrists that this blog is about. They sit there and turn little lenses until I tell them when I can see. I know that they cannot see through my eyes, but I still hate it. What if I'm wrong. What if "A" was clearer than "B" and I misspoke. There is way too much pressure on me. I understand there's no way around doctors needing to ask me questions so they can properly diagnose me, but with all that studying and with all those degrees, I wish there was a better way. But, as they say, such is life.

early bird gets the worm

The old saying is that the early bird gets the worm. What always bugged me about that proverb is that nobody ever said what happened to the late bird. If I wrote a proverb about the late bird, it would go like this: "late bird gets stressed out!" Let me explain. My wife is the early bird, and by that I mean she eats worms. Seriously though, she is a morning person. She wakes up early, giving herself plenty of time to wake up, shower, read her Bible, watch the news, eat breakfast, get ready, brush her teeth, and finally leave. I am the complete opposite. I am not an early riser. Not a morning person at all. Growing up, I was generally late for school. In college, I was lucky to make it to morning classes at all, forget about on time. Since I've been working, I've greatly improved my ability to wake up early, but I've never improved my desire. I hate it! I always want to sleep 10 more minutes. I still wake up with just enough time to take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, and eat my breakfast on the go. What I've noticed is that the few times I've managed to wake up early enough to pace myself in the morning the way my wife does, my whole day is so much less stressful. Being in a rush is just too stressful. I really need to train myself to wake up earlier more often. It would do my mind and body good. That being said, I'm sure I'll be up 30 minutes before I have to leave in the morning again.

the rib

The following poem is meant to be fun, not offensive. I wrote it in college as a joke. I don't actually feel this way about women (clearly, as I married one).

The Rib by Michael Brown

Genesis 2 tells us God made woman from man's rib Maybe it was a lying rib, and that's why women fib Perhaps it was a prideful rib, thinking it was always right Or an instigating rib always trying to start a fight It could have been conceited, thinking that it was dope Or a CBC rib, going to school just to elope Maybe it was a complaining rib, that would explain a lot Or a gold-digging rib, and money is all it sought Perhaps it was a gossiper, stabbing its friend ribs in the back Or one wearing too much make-up, the guy ribs to attract Or just a rude rib, spitting in more men's faces than a llama The only one that I'm sure of is this rib was full of drama

smiling's my favorite

There are 53 facial muscles. I'm sure you've heard that it takes more of those muscles to frown than it does to smile. And I'm sure that you've heard many different versions attributing different amounts of muscles it takes for either. Believe it or not, however, the whole theory is unsubstantiated. Some experts even suggest that it takes more muscles to smile than frown. I am no expert and I will not pretend to know the truth about this topic. Instead, I would like to focus on another aspect of smiling and frowning: I have recently come to believe that more people are capable of smiling than frowning. Let me explain why I have come to this conclusion. I love to smile! It's my favorite! It's one of many things that Buddy the Elf and I have in common. Despite the fact that I usually don't smile in pictures, I actually love to do it. And more importantly, I am capable of it. I can curl the corners of my lips upwards. Frowning, on the other hand, I'm not so fond of. I don't like to do it. It's not my favorite! And recently I discovered something interesting about frowning...I can't do it. I am physically incapable of frowning! Now, clearly I can be sad, but I cannot make the corners of my lips go down to make a frown. I realized this one day when Polly was being goofy and made a frown. It looked weird to me. I couldn't recall seeing anyone actually frown. So, naturally I tried it myself. Complete failure. I looked goofy trying. This made me wonder, "Is it abnormal that I cannot frown?" As I do with most puzzling questions in my life, I put it to a test. I began randomly asking friends and family to frown, with Polly often offering a demonstration. Of all the people I asked, my mother was the only other person capable of doing it. Most people, I discovered, could not frown. I found this odd, as I had never really thought about it before. I also found it interesting that Polly said it hurt to hold her face in a frown. This was probably due to nothing more than the fact that she doesn't use some of the specific muscles it takes to frown very often. Maybe that's why some people think it takes more muscles (because it hurts more). So who knows how many muscles it takes for either. What I do know now is that I can't frown. Which is fine with me because, after all, smiling is my favorite!